Accoucheur

A slight change

2008-04-28T15:33:00.003+10:00

So while there has been little activity here, and unfortunately I can't guarantee anything regular being posted here at the moment, I thought I better send you all over to another blog I've started on menstruation:

St. Menses

It's been floating around as an idea for the last few months and as of today I've done something about it. Please be aware that it will contain adult content.

Water

2008-02-28T15:50:00.002+11:00

Lent

He sits waiting
'Will you give me a drink?'

Indignant,
'A jar has already been spilled
now I've returned for more,
it's full
for my purpose,
how can you even ask me for a drink?'

she trembles waiting

'If you knew who it is that asks you,
you would have asked him
and he would have given you
living water'

lifeless, the water jar waits

Scooped in her hand
water trickles through fingers
held out to him,
'Give me this water
so I won't keep coming here to draw'

dripping, waiting
offering evaporating on dry sand

'My water becomes a spring
welling up
to eternal life'

he takes her hand
the jar overturns
spilling
welling into nothingness
rushing away

'Go, call your husband'

waiting tears pour

'I have no husband'

'You are right
and the man you now have
is not your husband'

silence
water dissolves around her

she trembles waiting

a spring appears

Snacking on Bits and Pieces

2007-10-01T16:57:00.000+10:00

Sitting curled up on the couch tonight I discovered Twisties and KitKats taste good together.

Obviously if I'm eating it means I'm still alive. The earth hasn't swallowed me up, and I truly am hoping to get this blog back to functioning.

So yes, I'm still here, but there have been a few changes. I've taken a year break from my Midwifery degree, and will start back again in July next year. It was a choice I needed to make, this year has been a roller coaster. My Follow Through Journey case studies got lost in the wake of it all. Thankfully I can keep doing them over the next few months while I don't have classes.... the thing is now I have to deal with all the women that got left behind earlier on this year. In a profession which highly values continuity, I feel so wretchedly guilty for leaving these women behind. It's been stopping me from getting anywhere close to catching up. It's got to change...

The other change, or soon to be change, is that this Saturday I'm moving out of home and going to share a small flat with my twin sister Bec who's loosing a house-mate and needs someone to help pay rent. Freedom! I'm packing boxes... can't wait!

So I'm not studying... but I'm still loving midwifery! Or I should say remembering why I love it again. Uni stress was starting to kill my passion. A good reason to take a break, and learn what I want to learn in a self directed way. I'm tossing up if I can afford going up to Sydney for the Australian Homebirth Conference at the start of November. Ina May Gaskin is speaking... I don't think I can afford to miss it! I want to hear her and see her in person!

Also Birth Week 07, similar to last year's Birth Week, is coming up again... the program sounds fantastic. I hoping I can managed to get to a few gatherings in between my shifts selling shoes at work.

Life goes on.

Ecclectic Mess

2007-07-15T16:01:00.000+10:00

Nothing cuts a creativity surge to mere smithereens more than a frozen computer, night shifts and a computer which won't read my photos off of my camera. I've opted for the communal 'family computer' for the moment, while I brace myself to purchase a new laptop.... which is just a tad exciting.

And so I don't forget I need to blog about a few things:

1. Placement: After three weeks it finally happened... I looked after a few elderly men last Thursday and Friday. They had transurethral prostatectomies (TURPs). It was so weird. I had to laugh last night when speaking to Ruth, (a friend who's about to graduate as a nurse). We've been chatting about the strange things I've been doing this last little while that have no relation at all to midwifery. So when I saw her late last night and simply said, "I've been looking after the TURP's", she put on her most sympathetic face and said, "Oh honey! Don't worry, once you've seen one you've seen them all... and yes, they're all so damn precious about their bits!"

2. Art: The beautiful art work my little sister Hannah sketched for me (It was for my 21st birthday but it came a tad later). A pregnant woman in charcoal. Photo's to come when I can down load them.

3. Friends: Going to St. Andrews Market with Tim, Ana, Dylan and Susannah yesterday was just perfect. Mmmm kumquat marmalade is divine. Along with the marmalade, my canvas bags were quickly filled with olive and rye bread, an earing (yes just one... I need to buy another like it but slightly different to get the look I want), a pendant from Peru, wild dried figs, some artistic pregnancy photography on a set of cards, and a pair of Indian pants belonging to Tim (because boy's don't bring things like bags with them ;).

After warming ourselves with the famous St. Andrews Chai Tent chai and wandering over the road to the pub to thaw out by the fire we stopped at Hurstbridge for lunch in a gorgeous little retro cafe' called Heart and Soul (photos to come). The op-shop deserved a flying visit and then a longer one in the antique store, where I think the shop owner thought Tim was serenading her with the old beaten up guitar he found in the corner as he tuned and played it. Back on the street Susannah, wondered out loud about the difference between 'organic' and 'bio dynamic' produce after seeing a sign at the health food store, so we wandered in to ask. Browsing the shelves I found pure body art quality henna in the brand I've been looking at on the internet. It was only $3 for 100g!!! Very exciting. Can't wait to start mixing and trying it out.

On we drove to Tim's brother and sister-in-laws place. Hugh was out the back with a few other relatives and it's an undeniable fact that vehicles play a large part in his and Amy's life.... they've got their own marked track in the paddock for driving in! It being wet and muddy it was time for a just a little bit of fun. Mostly everyone took turns attempting a flying drive up the hill to see how far they could get before drifting off the muddy track. Hugh took me as a passenger and the drift in the mud was amazing! The plan is to come out again sometime and have a bit of a wild driving session, just to see what cars can do and how to respond. Very keen.

Once all four of us were back at Tim's place, Ana, Ryan and Mick showed up. After being served some amazing Tequila Sunrises, we drove out into the darkness and sticks to Izzie's 21st birthday party. Her's would have to be the most wonderful party I have been to in my whole life! She is so very loved! People spread through the house and garden and I would have guessed there were 250 people at one point. It almost seemed like a school reunion, just about every person in our final year of high school showed up. Every time I moved I found someone I'd yet to talk to. The garden was perfect with fairy lights and the fire drums to keep warm around, the food enjoyable and the alcohol very tasteful. After speeches we spent some hours dancing.... Mic and Ryan both danced, it was the first time I've ever seen either of them dance and it was just so right to be dancing crazily with a whole group of friends to Infected Mushroom trance music! My only regret was that I hadn't bought a change of shoes from the morning with me, dancing with hiking boots on is just a little clunky!

I fell into bed at 2:15am. A good good day.

oh... and mental note to self... I need to post about the hike I've been on...

Stoked....totally!

2007-07-02T21:28:00.000+10:00

If you're not a blogger I doubt what I'm about to say will resonate with you.

But for all you bloggers out there, I'm sure you'll understand the excitement experienced when I discovered some midwives have linked to my blog! Wow! I feel very honoured and now just a little more compelled to write. Hahah, nothing like an audience to get the creativity flowing.

so thanks Alternative Birth for putting me on your resource/links page
and thank you Mama Mid(Wife) Madness for the blog roll mention

You've made my day.

Playing Nurse

2007-06-26T19:18:00.000+10:00

(Artist Unknown)

Wow... got to love her uniform!

As of this afternoon I've survived the second day of my Women's Health Gynaecology placement. Helen (fellow midwifery student) and I have concluded a number of things in the short amount of time we've spent carpooling these last few days and I'm sure we'll conclude a lot more than just the following by the end of four weeks:

1. We feel as if we are in first year again.

2. Nursing and Midwifery are NOT the same (we knew this already but there's nothing like a nursing placement to realize it even more). It makes us happy to be midwives and helps us understand why we feel like first years.

3. Our midwifery degree should have more than the one pharmacology subject we took in first year. Giving out drugs freaks the hell out of us!

4. Getting up early makes you yawn all day.

5. Working in a mixed gynae/med ward means we will be caring for men. Helen has, I have yet to experience it.

6. Hospitals are great places to get lost in, especially when they are being renovated!

7. Caring for six women in a surgical ward is very very different from postnatal ward looking after six postnatal mums and six babies, or labour ward with one or two birthing women.

8. Nurses are much more happy to have students buddied up to them than are midwives.

9. Nurses need to have fantastic time management skills. The ward routine has Helen and I fascinated.

10. Feeding, washing, moving and providing complete care for elderly women is very confronting.

11. Cups of tea are very very welcome.

12. Taking down and putting on new dressings over wound and surgery incisions is really fun.... but even so, four weeks of nursing skills in our final year of midwifery seems just a little excessive.

13. I miss midwifery.... in light of the PMS post a few posts below, it's nice to know!

Oh... and thanks so much for the comments in the last few posts, it's meant so much!

3 weeks 3 days left.

Let them go quickly!

Blood and Tears

2007-06-21T17:58:00.000+10:00

Lost List by Penelope Illustrations

Strange how something that seemed so closed can suddenly become more closed than you thought it could ever be.

I broke up with the guy I'd been going out with for seven, nearly eight, years this February only two weeks after he'd moved here to Australia from America. You change a lot between the ages of 14 and 21. We haven't seen much of each other the last four or so months, but I had expected to say goodbye face to face before he went back to the US.

Thinking he was leaving this evening I went at lunch time to pick up some linen he'd borrowed to stay on campus and to say the final goodbye. His side of the room was empty, there weren't even any bags. I stood at the door and his room mate, Heath, came a few moments later from the car park. His usual cheerful self he jumped up expectantly and got the neatly folded towel, sheets and blankets from the cupboard.

I filled my arms with them, and paused, attempting to ask the question I was trying to form into words, "When did he leave? I thought he was leaving tonight."

Realizing what had happened Heath's eyes lost their smile as he told me they'd gone to the airport early that morning.

Life happens, not always as we expect. I understand that he might not want to say goodbye, things were settled a number of months ago, none the less I was still shocked. All was closed tightly but now with his going it's almost like a new level of closure has just reared it's head and closed even further over everything. And as always with each layer of closure there is always something to let go of.

I had to let go by writing my thoughts out this morning before going to say goodbye. And in writing and crying and letting go, I bled. This was the first time in five months that I haven't bled on or before the dated I expected. Being late to bleed was strange, but perhaps I needed to let go of things in my heart before my body could let go too. It felt very fitting.

PMS

2007-06-20T16:45:00.000+10:00

That's right it's the 20th of June, I feel an emotional wreck because I'm almost about to bleed (oh and and a few other reasons mixed in with the hormones makes for a most powerful cocktail). Knowing that PMS is one of the reasons I feel this way doesn't make me feel any less emotional.

I would happily curl up in a little warm hole in the earth today and cry till the world ended.... I'll probably feel that way till I see red when everything will be fixed.

If anyone speaks to me about FTJ or fulltime jobs or uni or what I want to do with my life or making money.... I think I might get rather scary or honest. Thinking about it, being honest would make me feel a whole heap better!

I want to stop... just stop... so i can cook, garden, love others, create, write... all in a little house on the side of mountain and forget midwifery as a 'job' and start it all over again when I get to the point of loving it again. I wish i could pursue midwifery without working in hospital. I want to stop feeling stuck and unable to get out of the mess FTJ is in... but I'm so stuck I'm afraid to do what I need to do to put it right again. I feel frozen. I'm afraid of working as a midwife next year, I don't want to work as a midwife next year. I want my family to know how stuck I feel... instead of being told I'm just not using my time effectively and being slack.

There are those moments you just want to quit.....

God in a picture # 1

2007-05-25T20:58:00.000+10:00

For small group this past Wednesday we were asked to bring a piece of music, a picture, or something that spoke to us of how we see God at the moment. Not being able to choose one I collected a group of images of women and I thought I'd share a few of them, one at a time and tell you a little about each.

The image above, is by Jude Mooney, titled Avenne at the Cascades. It makes the hairs on my neck stand up. There are four elements of this picture that draw me to likening it to God. The first is of course the woman, swollen with child but let me list the other three to begin with...

Roots of the tree - old, ancient, and wizened; they look like they belong to the beginning of time.

Rocks - solid, unshakable, dependable.

Rushing water - constantly moving, wild, untamable; invitingly shallow but deep at the same moment.

.... and amidst all that sits a woman, quietly peaceful, soft and tender, bursting with new life. You can almost feel the richness of her body nourishing her baby, and see the mystery of the love forming inside her, sense her deeply connected to her child.

God's like that, she's like a woman, despite being wildly powerful, ancient and unmoving, she is love, deep relationship, life creating beauty.

Ducking back into the Red Tent

2007-05-22T16:50:00.000+10:00

Taboo

I need to re-vision
the blood
feel the blessing of eggs
washing away, lining cleansed
ready for new beginnings.

I need to see God as a woman
who bleeds.

excerpt of a poem by Jennifer Boire

The dull pulse in my back and pelvis woke me this morning at 4am. Slightly disoriented from disconnecting dreams, the dark curled around me and I lay foggy brained for a few minutes trying to piece together the feeling in my body. Familiarity of eight and a half years kicked in after a moment and I lay resting, thinking about blood being spilled on cue as always. The ache lacking it's usual fierceness, I stayed curled up in bed, pausing at my bleeding's beginning trying to remind myself to pause over it's duration.

I constantly feel pressure from outside to keep going as if nothing is happening when I bleed. Onwards, always onwards in linear fashion.

I do not feel linear.

It doesn't match my experience of my body, life, emotions, relationships or spirituality. Cyclic is my reality. The world rotates through it's seasons, the moon through it's waxing and waning, just as I circle around and around, and move through the stages of being female. Bleeding gets rid of the old and prepares for the new.... it is an introspective time. When I consciously make it an introspective time to match the rhythm of my body I find I have the opportunity for parts of myself heal to in all sorts of ways through letting go and accepting.

The actual reality of pausing can be difficult. I have an assignment this week that I will be working hard to complete, so it will not be low key. But it's not necessarily the physical slowing down that is important to me (though changing pace does help introspective processing) but the mental shift.

A few months ago I found a beautiful crimson ribbon which I wear wrapped around my wrist now every time I bleed... a visual reminder to reflect. I've started keeping a dream journal (which I write in all the time) but it is always more vivid leading up to menstruation and during bleeding. I simply write my dreams as I remember them and leave it as that. In the process of writing sometimes they make more sense. I write in my many other journals too. It's an open time on many levels. At least once I try make space to sit open before God to see what needs to be stripped away and see what needs to grow. What else? I drink more water and avoid caffeine. I light candles and snuggle with my hot-water bottle, and get fresh air. They're just things that I find work for me and help me pause.

I think it helps keep me sane. What do others do?

Going up the Mountain

2007-05-18T13:08:00.000+10:00

Those elbows on the left would be Emily's (my little sis), mine are on the right, and yes the photo was taken up the mountain, Sassafras to be specific. I think I'm addicted to the place! Any excuse to drive up the winding road to either Kalorama, Kallista, Sassafras, Belgrave or Olinda and I'm in, usually with no questions asked. Hannah (the littlest sis) asked to go up with me this afternoon and unfortunately I had to pause and tell her that my answer pended on receiving an extension for my last assignment.... (For the sake of clarity, I didn't ask for an extension simply because I wanted to go up the mountain, I needed it because of another assignment on the back of this one which has taken up all my time!) As of one hour ago I'm happy to say the extensions been sorted. Olinda here we come!

Last time up there, I came across the pomegranates and also stumbled across some curry leaves. I've been hunting high and low for them since the curry night I had with Ana, Tim, Bec and Geoff in January when couldn't find them for a recipe I was planning to make. So last night I finally made Butternut Squash Curry which we ate with coconut rice and a good dollop of yogurt. Taste expectations were met. Mum commented on it looking like baby food, for which I think I'll forgive her because it certainly didn't taste like it. Definitly one to make again.

I think I'll have to superglue my wallet shut this afternoon, too many things call my name when I'm up there, though birthdays are coming up so my eyes will be peeled.

Ten Days Ago..

2007-05-15T16:39:00.000+10:00

By Chrissy Butler

... it was the International Day of the Midwife. As it so happened I was on my last day of placement, and while thinking to post, never did but better late than never I suppose. Since 1991, May 5th has been Midwives Day, thanks to the influence of the International Confederation of Midwives.

It disappointed me that Saturday that the women's hospital I was placed in did nothing to celebrate or support the midwives working there. Zip. Nada. Nothing. It didn't surprise me though, for we are a lonely profession, a struggling profession, a political profession. Navelgazing Midwife wrote a very interesting post, which you can read here, about the reality of being a midwife.

As a student myself it did not make me afraid, but reminded me of the moments where I've tasted the edge of the experience she describes. It reminded me of the invigorating challenge of first year midwifery, the flurry of signing petitions and our small victory in getting ACU to change the faculty title from 'School of Nursing' to 'School of Nursing & Midwifery'. Many thanks goes to my fellow student Pippa for that!

Second year flew by with news of at least two hospital birth centres possibly closing in Melbourne. They closed. There was little movement on gaining professional indemnity insurance for midwives in independent practice. More petitions, more letters, more politics on placement.

Now it's third year and things have slowed down, or perhaps all of us students have grown tired (even fiery Pippa is tired). Reality's hit. When I graduate, while I will call myself a registered midwife, on paper I will be, "a registered nurse limited to practicing midwifery only." Some how in first year I thought three years would be all the time the ACMI and Maternity Coalition would need to encourage/pressure the Nurses Board of Victoria and the Health Department to change that... and still not yet!

Victoria, I have to give it to you, you really know how support the women who support all the pregnant and birthing women in this state! Get your act together!

My! Watching 'Bastard Boys' on ABC last night got my dreams going, and my anger hotted up.

Magic

2007-05-14T19:23:00.000+10:00

By Carrie Goller

She had a nice smile, standing there behind the counter and rolls of tissue paper. "It's all French!" she said as I glanced around the shoppe full of crisp, simple linen, eggshell blue saucers, lavender soap, and an odd array of tap handles. Pausing and admiring I spoke to her, asking about the week. It had been busy, Mother's Day. I listened and looked then caught sight of the star like pucker and brown-pink blush of small, dried pomegranates filling one of her bowls from Lourmarin. Stopping mid sentence I picked one up, holding it gently, captivated by its simple beauty. Still looking I asked, "Are these decorations or for sale?" There was a pause and looking up I saw her eyes, like mine fixed on the dried pod in my hand. "Someone asks me that everyday," she said gently, "just decorations, they came off the tree in my sisters yard." Her gaze still played over the full bowl between us. I put the pomegranate down softly, wistful. They were hers, she was under their spell. Her eyes smiled at me and I left the bowl alone, content they were being cherished, glad to have held one. Buying some olive soap I left her at the counter. I think she knows I'll be daydreaming of pomegranates.

Just two things

2007-05-12T22:37:00.000+10:00

.... that have made me pause this evening on the brink of Mother's Day. Check out the wall of photos and the poem, "Now That I Am Forever With Child" by Audre Lorde here from SouleMama, and then run over and read this proclamation shared by The Ashram.

This Flesh

2007-05-10T20:03:00.000+10:00

Let's begin by saying that there is nothing worse than realizing the picture used in the previous post really goes hand in hand with the topic about to be touched on in this post. Ah well, such is life and the little sketch above will just have to do, but if you're anything like me scroll down and have another look at the sketch from the post before, it's just exquisite, especially the nape of her neck and small of her back. The weight of her breast has been captured perfectly.

Despite the fact most of the time I am happy with my body I still occasionally have my little list of changeables: ankles could be slimmer, backside a little less lumpy, frown lines smoothed off the forehead, but the list use to be a much longer list! I hated my nose and my knees, my breasts were too little, stomach not flat enough, and I wanted anything but straight hair. It's only been recently that I noticed the list decreasing in size.... and it's not because anything has changed physically. My nose is still my nose except now its been pierced, knees as they always were, breasts still fit the same bra (I would never wish them bigger), my stomach was actually flatter when the list was originally made compared to now, and my hair will never ever need a straightener.

So the list is shorter and the occasions I think about the items left on it are few and far between. I can only link my list shrinkage logically to one thing, and that is the fact I have seen a lot of naked women being a student midwife! Each body has been different, but beautiful in its own way. Belly buttons grace every stomach whatever way they can, breasts are never symmetrical, come in all sizes and hang differently from every woman's chest. Nipples are unique too when it comes to colour and shape. Fat can exist on any imaginable part of the body... I've seen some beautiful fat. Cellulite never surprises me anymore. Legs are long, short, hairy and smooth, with slim and chunky ankles.

Bodies tell stories, say that we live a physical life, hold scars and marks reminding us of what has passed. The pale, spider-web, stretch marks on my hips appeared when I began to grow. It makes me laugh when I remember how Mum told me I had good CBH's (Child Bearing Hips) and my sisters all snickered at the thought. The fine red and purple veins on my thighs and calves remind me that my youngest sister and I share them in common. The scar under my lip marks the time I bit right through it playing a blindfold game. I'm sure a lot of other marks will make their way onto my body in time. Shape of a Mother has given me a fair clue when it comes to reality.

I'm amazed at the impact my physical body has over how I perceive myself, how parts of my body make me feel very "me". I would feel very lost if I ever had a breast or both breasts removed. Having a hysterectomy even if I had previously given birth to children and was in later life would definitely be a grieving process for me, more so than loosing a limb. Studying female genital mutilation last year was almost unbearable at times!

While we are not just our bodies, our body is a part of ourselves. These last two years my body has remained pretty much the same, no more growing, no more changing, very little weight fluctuation... the next time it changes in any large degree will most likely be the first time I fall pregnant. I guess our bodies go through chapters, really. About nine months ago I finally woke up to the new chapter my body was in, the chapter of being just fully grown without the marks of childbearing. Catching a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror I realized suddenly that the little girl was long gone, and so was the awkward, constantly changing teenager, a woman had somehow come out of my body. The moment was a little somber, definitely mysterious, and quite breath catching. In a silly sort of amazement I just looked and spent some time coming to grips with the fact that "she" was "me".

It is good.

Vulnerable

2007-05-08T13:47:00.000+10:00

By Annete Vanderspuy

When ever I've been away from blogging for any length of time I never know weather I should launch into my thoughts or give a bit of a summary of what has passed. So, to condense placement into a few short sentences I will say it was draining, the staff more welcoming than last time, nights were great for births but played havoc with my mental and emotional state, I felt like a 3rd year student with more responsibility and capability, accoucheured 11 births, saw two caesarean sections, attended 3 ventouse births, cared for a woman with really bad Pre- ecclampsia, took blood...... and was completely incapable of doing any study for my online units while at hospital for 5 days a week. If I wasn't at hospital, or driving to or from hospital, I was either sleeping (didn't know how much I loved my sleep until I missed a whole lot of it!), eating or meeting up with friends to remind myself the world was actually continuing on.

But besides being a wreck most of the time I did rather enjoy it, and to prove that life did continue on in these last four weeks:

I managed to get to some of Soul Survivor on the Saturday and Sunday, and it turned out to be a rather life shaping day/night (as was the week following). Hmmmm how ambiguous can I be!? Michael Leunig says it perfectly ~

Dear God

We loosen our grip.

We open our hand.

We are accepting.

In our empty hand

We feel the shape

Of simple eternity.

It nestles there.

We hold it gently.

We are accepting.

Amen

The 21st birthday bash happened on the 19th of April and turned out more perfectly than I'd even expected! Good food, fairy lights, candles, fire brassier in the back yard, lovely friends, some fire twirling, David Grey playing in the background and only a few embarrassing photos.

Bec got engaged to her Geoff and then asked me to be her bridesmaid! Ana, Elyce and I plan to be the most gorgeous bridesmaids ever... I think we'll be wearing green. January 08 please come quickly.

So yes.... life continues on rapidly, and I've managed to clean my room which means I can sit down and study properly without any visual clutter getting in my way.

Some Zing Please!

2007-04-10T01:29:00.000+10:00

Tonight I start placement, a few nerves are fluttering around like mad men in my stomach, but mostly I'm looking forward to it. I've been to the ward before, I know my way around, I won't get lost, I just need to slot in the zone and pray for a "good" midwife to work with.

Getting ready for placement is always something I find a little bizzar. I could have spent yesterday flipping through text books and brushing up on a few areas I need to refresh, but no I went and got my hair cut and then dyed it a copper/mahogany with henna. This is the second time now.... it went much better than the first but I do need to make a mental note for next time to have an assisant. I really needed four hands, but I got there... and am happy with the end result... it will be intersting to see what colour it settles to over the next few days.

Despite not spending yesterday with my nose burried in a text book, hennaring (is that a word?) my hair did get me feeling some what prepared. I hate the idea of blending in and becoming swallowed up by the hospital, having my awe of birth stripped away from seeing intervention after intervention, and women loosing autonomy. So I do things to remind myself about autonomy.... by mixing my own hair dye, that's natural and safe, and good for my hair, rather than dumping chemicals all over it. Perhaps that seems petty to some people, but I like having visible things to remind me to be different in my practice as a soon be midwife. Little things matter! As a student I can't do all that much at times to make a difference.... but at least I'll try to do what I can in the situations I'm in to make birth more sacred and good.

So I'll remind myself with my henna hair to be different. I'll wear my hippy necklace, with the tear drop shape pendant on it which has markings that remind me of a vagina, so I keep in mind that women's bodies are made to give birth and can streatch beautifully. (There you go Tim... now you know I didn't tell you the whole truth when you asked if the necklace had a meaning last month... I wasn't quite ready to divulge the truth with a circle of people standing around me at church ;)

Symbolism is one of my favourite things. I'm not about to let my student uniform make me become a faceless student, who goes with the flow of obstetric hospitals. I don't mix with obstetric hospitals when it comes to a normal healthy woman giving birth. I love them when they're need but can't give them any credit for playing doctor to someone who is healthy. So yes.... I like to show outwardly that I'm not going to fit.

I wish our uniforms were practical... navy pants are okay... but a white button down shirt looks lovely with amniotic fluid and blood on it! Oh yeah and it's kinda see through too... bonus for the obstetricians! Better top up my stash of with singlet shirts to wear underneath! For the life of me I will never understand the midwives at my first placement who wore knee length skirts with splits in them. If I could design the student uniform it would be comfy cargo pants and a t-shirt of some discription, in some colour other than white.

Oh and the other benifit of the hair cut and henna is that I'll look older and perhaps avoid too many, "You look young enough to be my daughter" coments.

Night shift here I come!

Friday

2007-04-07T20:57:00.000+10:00

What can I say to you?

Is there any word that could come from my mouth?

any thought? any sentence?

You died.

Let me just stand and look.

Your body is broken, your head wounded,

your hands and feet split open by nails,

side pierced.

Your dead body now rests in the arms of your Mother.

Let me look at you.

(my adaptation of the Good Friday reading from Show Me the Way by Henri J.M. Nouwen)

Whoops

2007-03-31T20:25:00.000+10:00

Pandora by J.W. Waterhouse

Seems like today I forgot about sticking to healthy food.... it was in the moment I threw away the Easter egg wrapper at the end of my 5 hr shift, that I remembered what I was suppose to be eating instead of lovely, brown, melting, cocoa goodness. And as I guiltily threw away the wrapper of the egg, very kindly given to my by Jacqueline, I remembered about dashing into work ravenous from not eating lunch and grabbing a $1 Crunchie Bar before heading onto the floor.... and then the Cherry Ripe on my ten minute break. Ehhh! I'm not a chocoholic I swear!

Believe me please!

Just found out my first week of placement coming up in close to a weeks time is made up of night shifts! Wow! I'm kinda freaked out but really excited too! Excited because babies love being born at all hours of the early morning, but freaked out.... because I'm wondering how I am going to flip my body clock over and how I'm suppose to sleep in the middle of the day at my house, with curtains in my bedroom that even moonlight can shine through!

..... perhaps I'll just go curl up with some dark chocolate, and think about the curtains later!

Choosing

2007-03-29T22:51:00.000+10:00

(by Mesa Verdeoak)

Changes! Life is rolling along, it's third year, final year of all this study! I don't feel ready to be in final year. Placement is coming up in a little less than two weeks, and some how yet again with all the good intentions of doing better at keeping on track with study, it hasn't happened. To be honest I'm about 4 weeks behind in one online unit and 3 weeks behind in another... and I'm cramming it in. Yes, a strange thing to do to the subject you have a passion for I know!

I almost, almost decided to go part time a few days ago and add one more year on to my course and slow things down a little. In fact I came home on Monday afternoon certain I wanted go part time and being home alone I cranked up the music and danced around in pure relief. The feeling didn't last long.

After swinging back and forth over it I've chosen to take a deep breath and run with full time and finish and be registered in 2008. The feelings of readiness are not deeply felt ... but that's what placements are for! And uni has been very generous with the amount of time we have on placements in final year - sixteen weeks!

Knowing I could have gone part time but having chosen to stick it out, makes me feel more committed to this year..... not long not long now! I need to remember that! And remember that most of my real learning will come in the first few years after my course is over.

So today has been spent studying trying to catch up, and curled up with a hot waterbottle. Talking of changes I just realized my cycle has dropped from a 29 to a 27 day cycle over the past three months. Being overwhelmed by uni and a few other major changes in my life I hadn't been tracking things as I normally would have. When I bled today it was quite a shock, not only had I not noticed any of the usual signs leading up to it, but it felt so soon to the time before. Don't ask me why I didn't pick up on the major emotional swings related to deciding to go part time or not as having anything to with coming close to bleeding! Heheh! So I sat down and worked back, sure enough it had only been 27 days since the last time, twill be interesting to see if the pattern will hold or not.

Another change I've made is deciding to cut out highly processed foods over the time I bleed in. I'm curious to see if it will make a difference. Bleeding is a time of shedding and letting go and I think it's a perfect time to clear out other parts of my body too. I desperately wanted chips and chocolate this afternoon.... but remembered my plan just before I cracked open the MilkyWay bar! Carrot sticks and nectarines... here I come.

Oh and before I forget the other change I've been meaning to write about on here....I got my nose pierced about 7 weeks ago, with a very small jeweled stud in the left nostril. I love it! And have wanted it for 4 years so I thought it was about time to get it done.

Laying midwifery aside...

2007-03-18T22:08:00.000+11:00

... I think I'll post about what I want tonight.

Sifting through family photos tonight I stumbled over a rather badly shot photo of Mum, Dad and Hannah by a WWII memorial we stopped at north of Honiara on Guadalcanal (I think I was 12 at the time). While remembering the photo and the day it was taken on I never read the actual inscription on the black stone. I read it tonight, it showed clearly enough in the photo to make out the words.

It says...

Governments create wars but young men are called to fight in them. This is a hallowed area for in World II thousands of young men gave their lives here - on the ground, in the air, and on the surrounding seas. Say a prayer in your own way for these gallant men who served so unselfishly when their countries called and who fought and fell in a desperate struggle. They gave their lives that peace might come to these islands and to the world. Remember them always or their sacrifice will have been in vain. God grant us the peace that they have found.

At times it's hard to imagine the ground I played on as a child had blood spilt upon it, it never really struck me when I was there... even when we'd dig in the soil and limestone ground to play house and find bullet shrapnel, and cartridges, it still didn't sink in. We collected them actually, and it was always a find when we dug up a "whole" bullet. Once we found a massive cartridge at the beach... looking at the diameter of the base, about 1.5cm, I remember shivering just a little at the thought of someone being shot by one of them, but that was soon forgotten in the glory of possessing one of the biggest bullets.

I also have the base of a WWII coke bottle... I discovered it on the beach just before we left the Solomons. Some soldier drank out if it and threw the bottle away. It's sitting on my shelf.

The books and the baby have arrived

2007-03-15T19:06:00.000+11:00

Today was the day the baby came! Actually... it all happened so fast! Andrea and I arrived about three minutes after the baby had been born... but that's jumping the gun... I'll tell the story from the start.

I felt jumpy the whole of last week every time my phone went thinking it was Andrea calling to tell me it was really happening. Finally I let it go, the baby would come in the right time. Last night after feeling peaceful about the whole thing I was pretty sure that it wouldn't be too much longer and kept my phone close by me. Andrea (Sarah's* midwife and my mentor) messaged me at 8:00am to let me know Sarah had started labouring but that it was still early days and she'd call me when things got going and she was on her way.

Knowing how fast Sarah's last baby had been I ate breakfast, had a shower and put my keys in my shoes and made sure that my car wasn't blocked in by any other vehicles in the drive way.
With study beckoning I sat down to use up the time... but gave up realizing I needed to clear my head and pray. Small group at church last night was pretty intense, watching a very disturbing movie set in Iraq that was quite emotionally upheaving. I didn't want to bring that into the birthing space, so sat quietly with God and prayed and let it go.

The phone rang at 0915, Andrea was driving and said, "I'm on my way, Andrew* rang and said I'd better get over there...things are happening quickly!" Knowing Sarah's history we didn't even discuss if she was transitional or pushing, I just said I was on my way and jumped in the car.

I kept the radio off. News is a distraction and is usually bad, there was no peaceful music so I drove in silence recalling Sarah's previous births that she'd retold to me. Her last little boy was so fast the midwives didn't make it in time. By the time I got to her suburb I knew I wouldn't be there for the birth, and was pretty sure Andrea wouldn't make it either. It was a peaceful feeling though, Sarah knows her body supremely well and I was confident things would pan out perfectly weather a midwife was there or not.... we were both on the way and there was nothing more we could do.

Pulling into the drive way I saw Andrea's gear by the door, a pretty good indicator things had already happened and she'd simply walked in to see what was going on and would come out to get her gear if need be. The front door was open, it was quiet and I walked in softly, no need to rush and found them all gathered around the birth pool (which didn't have time to fill properly!).
Sarah was flushed and awefilled, holding her new baby against her breasts, body submerged in the rosey water. Andrew was in next to her and their two sons (Noah and Liam) were excitely hanging over the sides of the pool to see their new sibling. Andrea was cross-legged on the floor close by, simply watching and keeping an eye on things. Sarah's friend Marie, who looked after the boys, took photos. There were no intrusions just a gentle quiet, respecting that first mother baby contact.

Andrea laughed and told me she'd stepped inside a minute after the baby was born. All was well, the baby was pink and content being supported in the water, making gentle arm movements, fingers and toes fanning out in the water, large eyes fixing on her mother face. I sat down near the birth pool and just watched the quiet moment.

Marie and I went about keeping the bath water a good tempurature, carting warm water from the laundry, and put some towels and wraps in the oven to warm up while Sarah remained in the pool for the placenta to be born. It took a while. The boys wandered in and out, nibbling on snacks, and coming to admire the baby. The littlest one Noah munched away on chocolate balancing his four year old self on the side of the pool asking, "Mum, do you think the baby want's some of my chocolate?" The boys were so comfortable it was if Sarah had a baby in their dining room every day! While Sarah explained the baby only ate breastmilk, Noah ducked off to find his swiming goggles and brought them over to the pool as and offering to his new water-baby sister.

To add even more to the atmosphere Marie accidently set alight one of the towels on Sarah's birthing alter with candles. She clutched it up trying to smother it with the rest of the fabric without sucsess and we ended up dousing it in the sink. Lots of laughter over that!

The placenta came and Sarah did it all, asking Andrea only for a few directions. On inspection of the "sack the baby had been in" as we held up the placenta and membranes, Noah informed us that he thought the baby might like to be back in there :)

With blankets warmed and the pool cooling, Sarah got out, passing the baby to Andrew along with the icecream container holding the placenta as it was still attached. The whole family cuddled up on the couch and Sarah went through her thread box to find something appropriate to tie the cord with. I thought it was beautiful the way she carefully tied it, watching her baby closely ensuring that baby was ready to be separated.

Leaving them space Andrea and I cleaned the dining room as much as possible beside draining the pool. The placenta was checked and we went over to the pool to estimate blood loss. As the pool was only half full, the blood in the water was more concentrated than normal. It was dark red, still translucent, but darker than other water births I'd attended. Andrea reminded me that if the bath had been full the water would have been more of a rosey colour which is quite okay. It was good to talk that stuff through and reflect on it.

We stayed present in the background, Andrea doing paper work and I collected and washed up the dishes everyone had made from eating celebratory banana cake (which Sarah had whipped up before things got too intense... it was cooked, warm and ready by the time there was a birthday to celebrate!)

After fourish hours observing we left. It was such a lovely space to leave, knowing you could bring the memory of it with you. We lugged Andrea's unused gear back to the car... I think all that was used in the end was a pair of sterile scissors to cut the cord, and one cord clamp was left incase they thought the thread wasn't tight enough. It's so good to know that hardly anything was needed....

I think something I'm learning more and more about about midwifery is that is revolves around the need to be skillful in learning how to do nothing well! Discerning when to leave well enough alone and when to step in when extra care is required. It takes a mighly lot of competence to be comfortable doing nothing.... and Andrea simply guarded the space by being attentive, taking in the whole picture and sitting back letting what was happening happen.

It was a beautiful day and the fact my car over heated on the way home and took three hours to fix, didn't make it any less enjoyable! I think I'm high!

Birth Bound

2007-03-01T14:55:00.000+11:00

In a few days one of my Follow Through Journey women is due to give birth to her third child, though I'm feeling this baby isn't going to pay any attention to the date, and only come when there is space and time for the birth. It has been a busy time.

Sarah* (not her real name) has asked me to attend her homebirth. It is such an honour to be invited into such a personal part of her and her family's life. Every time I am asked to attend a birth it is overwhelming! There are no words to describe the feeling...

This will be the first homebirth I have experienced. It's an experience I've been longing for over the few years I've been completing my Bachelor of Midwifery. Homebirth is where my heart is at and where I desire to end up practicing. Unfortunatly our university can only provide us with hospital birth environments over our course of learning. Thankfully my last placement was with Casey Hospital a very low risk, holistic maternity unit so I feel that I have been able to remain partially sane amidst the technology driven birth society in Australia. In light of that it's been a joy these last few months to be following through a number of women who are planning homebirths, to hear their stories, plans, hopes, fears, and dreams, to see their journeys unfold.

I spent some time with Sarah* today. She showed me the henna art her women friends had drawn on her swollen belly to celebrate her upcoming labour and birth. Her youngest ran around with his lego man, chattering away. He slowed down to sit with us and watch a Russian waterbirth video showing women birthing in the warm tidal pools of the Black Sea. It's such a peaceful thing to see the whole family becoming part of the journey of pregnancy and birth.

S0.... I'll be waiting for a phone call from Andrea (Sarah's midwife and my mentor) in the next few weeks to tell me things have started. On call!

How to spend a lot of money

2007-03-01T14:21:00.000+11:00

.... simply look at your prescribed textbook list for 3rd Year Midwifery and pull out your plastic card! All I can say is that I'm mightly glad I've got a resonable sized scholarship from the government, otherwise the pocket would be needing some urgent TLC at this very moment! Why is it that a single text book can cost $123.00?

So I bought my text books and then while hunting around on the internet I ah.... bought, oh about eleven more miwifery books that had been on my wish list for quite some time. I'm practically pacing till they get here, can't wait to open them all and gobble up their contents! The problem now is wondering how to fit them on my already bursting at the seams bookcase!

The text books were:

The Midwife's Labour and Birth Handbook
Midwives Guide to Antenatal Investigations
The Newborn Child
Women's Health Nursing: Towards evidence based practice
Gynaecology Nursing: A practical guide
Potter and Perry's Fudamentals of Nursing (This text and the gynaecology text are sugested because of our 4 week Gynaecology placement midyear... they need us to brush up on our "nursing" skills.... I am thankful for the opportunity to be involved in other aspects of women's health care though I am glad it's only four weeks and we'll be jumping back into Birthing placements)

The books ticked off the wish list were:

Gentle Birth Choices
Breech Birth
Breech Birth Woman-Wise
Heart and Hands
The Waterbirth Book
Your Amazing Newborn
Lotus Birth
The Midwife Companion
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
Spiritual Midwifery
Midwifery: Preparation for Practice

I love having books to loan out and have for reference. There is no one perfect book.... so having a variety of good ones is the only solution!

I think I have book lust.

Warning Rant Ahead!

2007-02-15T21:52:00.000+11:00

If only articles like this could appear on the FRONT page of the news paper.... *sigh*.... then perhaps women would at least think twice about running off to get a caesarean to "escape the pain of labour". At least it would encourage people to go and search out some REAL information on cesareans... from places like this and this and this.

I feel like shaking women when I hear them say they're getting a caesaean to avoid the pain of labour. Sarcastic Laura pops out ready to say saying something to the effect of.... Oh you think major abdominal surgery is a piece of cake to recover from?! Really, well you won't be able to drive for six weeks, it will hurt to cough, laugh, move, sneeze, turn over in bed, and hold and breast feed your baby, and you'll most likely be separated from your baby in the most crucial bonding moments after birth.... oh but that's all okay because you'll still have your lovely tight vagina!

...Oh and did you know that once you've had a caesarean it's most likely that many obstetricians/doctors/hospitals in Australia will suggest you have another caesarean when you decided to have subsequent children, and that most Birth Centres will immediately not be able to book you in because having a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After a Caesarean) is too 'high risk'.... even though evidence based research is supportive of VBAC!?

Far out! How much research has to be done before things will change! I could find paper upon paper supporting VBAC for medical, physiological, social, emotional and all the other "al" reasons in the blink of an eye! But no... it's Open Season for caesareans! Pregnant women be very careful! Don't go anywhere near a scalpel happy hospital! Please.... check their caesarean section rate, think about who your care provider is... or better yet think about being cared for by an independent midwife or Birth Centre. Oh and please don't think "private" means it's the best, it's the best when it comes to curtains and a TV but not when it comes to your birth and baby!

The current national average rate of caesarean sections in Australia has reached 30%. Some hospitals have a rate closer to 50%! The World Health Organization suggests that a rate higher than 10-15% is detrimental to women and their babies. What do these hospitals think they are doing? Can't someone make them accountable for their failure to care for women in a way that decreases their chance of having a caesar? Oh but then I must remember hospitals are institutions.... and institutions and pregnant women really don't make the best combination, do they....

*Sigh*

Caesareans can be fantastic when women need them. Heck, I needed to be born with one one... being a twin who was lying transverse with my sister breech....I am so thankful that a caesarean was available to my Mum!

BUT.... caesareans are dangerous things when used in the wrong context.

I can't find the research now I need it but as soon as I find it I'll post the reference... but I read somewhere that a large percentage of women who have caesareans have unexplained vaginal pain.... I find that very interesting.

Enough from me!

To finish check out Cesarean Art and click on the opening picture to enter the site.....

A painting I love

2007-02-12T23:22:00.000+11:00

Boreas ~ John William Waterhouse

Oil on canvas

Go here to see it larger

Greek pillars, wombs and lavender

2007-02-06T20:23:00.000+11:00

It's amazing how smells can take you places!

This afternoon feeling under the weather with cramps I snuggled up in bed with some pillows and burned some clary sage and lavender essential oils.

With the warm oil diffusing I shut my eyes and within moments expected to open them and see a labouring woman standing in the room.

Lavender and clary sage were used extensively in my last placement and my brain must have formed a connection to the smell.

With eyes closed my ears waited, expecting to hear the sound of a contraction rise and die away like ocean swell, but there was simply silence. No labouring moaning, no noise. Quiet waiting filled the space and in the stillness a wave emerged, a deep ache running over my lower back and across the front of my pelvis. Then calm. The aching pain welled up again to a peak only to sink back into stillness. I wonder if this feeling is similar to early labour?

Being a student midwife the fact I have never carried or birthed a child always rests with me. At times it rests peacefully, at times it doesn't. I know my own experience will never match any other birth I attend but I long to know what it is like. Initiate myself in a sense.

There's a triangle shaped space, over my womb that simply waits. I feel this space very vividly. The feelings I have related to childbirth and children and motherhood come from this place. Other feelings and emotions come from my gut or higher in my chest, but not feelings related to birth.... they all come from a deep place.

At times I try and picture how it will unfold, what the sensations will feel like, my response, and each time it is different. Each time I am in a different space, with a different focus. Some times I reach down to touch the baby as it's head crowns, other times I'm holding too tightly to a pair of hands to do so. Sometimes I walk, sometimes I rest. At times I push people away, other times I cling closely to someone's neck. Sometimes I cry loudly, other times I am still, grounded and focused.... but I always reach down, pick up my child and hold them against my skin, it's the only thing that stays the same.

It will unfold in it's own way.

I've only ever once dreamed about being in labour.... and then I was was holding a huge Grecian pillar to support myself with every tightening. I recall wearing a white flowing robe that didn't get blood on it more than I remember anything else. Strange!

The space remains happy waiting as long as I acknowledge its presence.

1 Teaspoon of Testosterone

2007-01-30T00:59:00.000+11:00

I shamelessly want to let you all know about a new blog started by my wonderful friend Tim - Peace is a Paradox. All you guys out there, if you read my blog (and I'm pretty sure some of you are guys) this is for you! Ladies feel free to duck over for a read too.

Tim explains the purpose of Peace is a Paradox in his opening post and I feel I will certainly botch any attempt to describe his blog because he has done a rather good job of it. Simply put, Tim is interested in discovering what it means to live holistically and looking in particular at what men have to celebrate/contend with in life.... I feel as if I don't quite have the words to describe quite what Tim is doing.... but I do know that it is needed and that Tim's looking for people (men in particular) to comment and get some discussion rolling. Please head over and leave some thoughts. Girls, let your guys know!

Blood Links

2007-01-29T17:39:00.000+11:00

Here are a few links.... or a few ways to spend some time procrastinating!

Blood Sisters Menstrual Action: A site supporting action to break the silence surrounding women's bodies

Menstrual Lodge: a collection of articles, reflections, and menstrual products

The Red Spot: all about bleeding! Not a medical resource - rather a gathering place for women's knowledge and experience

Wild Genie: a space encouraging women to appreciate their menstrual cycles

www.menstruation.com.au: information on menstruation, fertility, conception, pregnancy and menopause

Please note that I do not support all of the views expressed within these web sites, they are simply places I have visited in my journey reflecting on what it means to bleed.

Red Cloth

2007-01-23T19:42:00.000+11:00

To my absolute horror the single cloth pad from Wemoon arrived in the mail very shortly after ordering it, just in time for my next cycle.

At this stage of the journey part of me was very willing to try anything different, yet I had all sorts of reservations screaming in my head, mostly to do with the fact that I'd have to wash them, and touch my blood. I was not into that idea at all! I was also concerned at their size and how thick they were, and if they'd move around.

On arrival the size was nothing to worry about, I'd ordered a small size, slim pad in ruby red, it was the same length as a 'normal' pad, 20 cm long, and THIN! Now they're certainly not as thin as ultra slim pads which are what now?... about 2mm thin? But they are thin, only 0.5cm!

Besides my feelings related to washing out the blood I was almost giddy with a stupid excitement steming from the fact that I was about to use something that wasn't white for the first time ever. It was red, beautiful burgandy! It was special to have something beautiful linked to my menstruation.

So I wore it! And I liked it, I liked it a lot!

It was super comfortable, certinaly it wasn't as un-noticable as the nearly non-existant, thin things one can buy and chuck away, but it didn't feel bulky. It didn't slide around one little bit, didn't show under my clothes (but then I'm not one who wears supper tight pants, but my jeans are fitted and they don't show at all)..... then I came to washing it.

Washing has been a big part of my Red Tent journey.

A little wad of cloth made me come face to face with my blood. Oh, I'd seen the blood before but this.... this was different. It wasn't sucked deep into some super absorbent core, this blood was red and shining. There was a lot of it. It looked alive, and as I touched it to washed it out and away, the feelings that welled up were overpowering. Grief came out of no where and I cried for having felt ashamed of bleeding, I cried for seeing my bleeding as a burden not a miracle. The crying continued but only because it was so relieving to feel my bleeding was good. The crying soon turned to awe. Awe at the amazing way God's created women's bodies to be a life creating place, to be fertile, to cycle through preparing, breaking down and starting again.

And so cloth pads helped me to find a new view. I can't describe in words what it means to me to be a woman and love it so incredibly much, to bleed and smile a secret smile when I think of what my body is created to do. I love my cycling body! I love how it reflects what God does in my life, renewing me, removing the old self, cleaning away and building newness. It just keeps going, just like God!

Loving my cycling body hasn't changed the fact that I have cramps that run from my lower back to my knees, or that I can be such a klutz when I bleed..... but in loving the fact that I do bleed it has made accepting the discomfort an acceptable thing. Pain mixed with pleasure is a crazy mystery.

I read something once that really resonates with my bleeding experience, “You can not heal until you feel it.”

Sam you asked me about where you get cloth pads. There are so many different types! All-in-ones, pockets with insertable liners, with water proof backing, without waterproof backing, hemp, cotton, organic cotton, fleece... the list goes on. I brought Wemoon Pads from Yoni.com. An Australian woman has put together an idex of all the sorts of pads availiable for sale in Australia, go here.

I think there are a few Organic/health stores which sell them too. They do cost $$$ initially but pay for themselves pretty quick. I get by with five small slims, two medium slims, and three liners for midcycle ; ) all in ruby red, pink and purple!

Got Plastic?

2007-01-19T20:10:00.000+11:00

I bled for the first time on 9th of December 1998 onto my favourite dress. That day I opened my first packet of pads.

Seven and a half years later, in June this year, I paused in the middle of a busy day, annoyed at the square plastic bin in the corner of the bathroom whose sole purpose was to contain used menstrual pads and their wrappers. It was over full. I made a calculation:

5 pads a day for 3 days = 15 pads
3 pads/liners a day for 2 days = 6 pads

Total: 21 pads/liners per menstrual cycle

Number of menstrual cycles experienced thus far = 91
91 cycles x 21 pads/liners = 1911 pads

With each of those 1911 pads came a plastic wrapper, two peel off wing tabs, and the peel off backing!

With a figure edging close to two thousand, not counting wrappers and other do-dads, dancing before my eyes, I took the calculation further.

The approximate number of menstrual cycles I will experience in my life time if I menstruate till I'm 50 is....
38 years x 12 cycles per year = 456 cycles

Which translates into:

456 cycles x 21 pads/liners =

...... 9576 non degradable bloody blobs of plastic, all created by me..... Oh and don't forget the 9576 wrappers, 9576 peel off backs and 19152 peel off wing tabs. Plastic heaven!

At that, with flashing neon lights around the dramatic number, "eco friendly Laura" appeared and said, as Miss Clavelle does in Madeline, "Something is not right!"

So I began looking for an alternative. Why I actually thought to look I don't know, because as we all know you're either a pad or tampon girl, right? Right?

Wrong!

Searching introduced me to 100% pure cotton pads/tampons (still non degradable), sea sponges, two menstrual cups called the Keeper and the Diva Cup, and reusable cloth pads. I'm sure there are a few things I haven't listed. For a bit of reading go have a look at the Museum of Menstruation. Interesting stuff

So I began investigating the four options.

1. The unbleached cotton pads and tampons did not meet my criteria simply because they were still not reusable. But in discovering them and the difference between them and the average run of the mill pads and tampons I also started thinking about chemicals. Why are tampons and pads made white? And why do neither pads nor tampon boxes contain a list of ingredients on them?! What's in them? What's used in the process of growing the cotton?

2. The sea sponges were just a little weird for me to think about as I began the journey to the Red Tent. I read about them and then the idea was discarded.

3. The menstrual cups sounded fantastic. In fact they are fantastic! I was very comfortable with the idea of putting my fingers inside myself to put it in and take it out. Being a student midwife one of my teachers advised all the students to get acquainted with ones own vagina before even considering doing a vaginal examination on another woman. The acquainting had been done (a post related to that might eventually make its way here in the course of the Red Tent exploration... maybe). While a two finger VE is easy enough the idea of the size of the cup (not all that big but big enough) did't appeal.

I still love the simplicity the menstrual cups hold for travel and hiking and will be acquiring one for those purposes, but not for every day. The other reason that made me decide not to use the Keeper or the Diva Cup on a regular basis relates to the fact that I was sure I'd loath loosing the experience of bleeding out blood. It was a strange moment when I realized that but it has only become something I feel more strongly about... a feeling I am gradually beginning to understand as I explore what it means for me to bleed.

So with three of the four options crossed off the list I turned my mind to cloth pads, argued with myself over cloth pads, persuaded myself why I should try them, persuaded myself shouldn't and finally bought a single cloth pad.... just to try.

It was good-bye plastic!

And I'll let you know why next post.

Entering the Red Tent

2007-01-17T11:34:00.000+11:00

Not too many women discover the Red Tent, especially young western women. Finding the Red Tent for myself has been quite a journey, a journey that began by wading through emotions, disposable winged pads, slim tampaons, hundreds of plastic wrappers, living with cramps that ran all the way from my lower back to knees, packets of panadine, and discovering that a taking too much panadine makes ones body un-responsive to the drug. Feeling drowned by it all I began sifting through women's stories and views on bleeding hoping to find something more. To my releif and surprise I stumbled into the beautiful place I now call the Red Tent.

So what is the Red Tent? The Red Tent is simply a place where one comes to a different understanding and awareness about what it means to bleed every month for, give or take, fourty years of ones life female life. What conclusion one comes to in the Red Tent is their's to make - it's the simple fact of exploring alternatives and refusing to be spoon fed what our culture tells us about bleeding and menstruation, which makes the Red Tent significant and a vital part of women's growth and understanding about their bodies.

.... I'll be writing about what I've discovered in the Red Tent over these next few days.

Uh...we've got a baby in the toilet!

2006-11-25T23:34:00.000+11:00

Well not quite, but almost. Let me start at the beginning....

Friday began slowly with handover being rather muddled as morning staff were being run off their feet with three women labouring at the same time, and quite a number of postnatal mum's to care for. Being one midwife down, it took a while for the midwife in charge to decide how to divide up the rooms and make sure all bases were covered. After much debate about midwife, women ratios the shift began.

Sarah* was happy to have a student with her so when the morning staff left we went to be with Lauren* who'd been in labour since the morning, this was her first baby, and we'd been told she was 9 cm dilated.

The room was dim, Lauren propped up on the bed with lots of pillows, her partner Dan* sitting beside her, quietly holding her hand. She was using the gas and as each contraction came she'd take two or three deep breaths on the mouth piece and work with her breath for the rest, holding the mouth piece between her teeth and blowing out through the nozzle but sucking in fresh air. She was so rhythmical... I think the constant sound of blowing out on the nozzle and hearing the valve was a focusing point for her.

Sarah and I spoke little, there was no need as Lauren was in her own space, very controlled, working with her body. Dan hardly spoke a word, he was just there, a good presence. Sarah and I simply felt contractions every now and again, offered Lauren water, kept the facewasher on her head cold, checked the baby's heart rate and sat or squatted beside the bed focused on Lauren's face.

As time goes on in my midwifery training I find, when sitting for any length of time watching labouring women, that I adapt their breathing pattern, a softer version, but at the same rate - strange.

When we'd been with her a short while Lauren mentioned she felt pressure and wanted to push, Sarah encouraged her to breathe through to give the cervix time to fully dilate until she really couldn't breathe through anymore and began pushing involuntarily. So Lauren did, she breathed like I've seen no one breathe before. Occasionally at the height of contractions I could hear her voice change to sound like a push, but only for an instant and then she'd be right back to sucking in her air and breathing out on the nozzle. Sheeuuch, phwuooh, sheeuuch, phwuooh, sheeuuch, phwuooh.

After about ninety minutes of watching her breathe and hearing the slight catch in her breath become stronger, Sarah suggested to Lauren that emptying her bladder would be good so the baby would have room to really come down well. As soon as Lauren sat down on the toilet, she began to push strongly. Being a first time Mum, Sarah and I expected that things would take a while to really get happening... were we ever wrong!

There was a knock on the door, Lauren's Mum was on the phone. Amazing how mothers often suddenly want to contact their daughters when their girls are birthing! It happens a lot. Dan ducked out to let her know that Lauren had just started pushing. As he went Sarah decided to get the torch and have a look to see what was going on with Lauren's perineum as it had been quite swollen last time we'd checked. Sarah clicked the torch on then off suddenly saying, "Laura, get Dan! We've got 5 cm of head on view!" I dashed out the door, and hurried Dan back in the room.

Lauren stood up and waddled a few meters to the bed as I pulled on some gloves. As she sat, a perfect head emerged gently and we waited a good three minutes for the next contraction to birth the body (it felt like a very long time to me). I had my hands gently near the baby's head but not on and with the next push expected baby to slide out easily. Nothing happened as Lauren began pushing so Sarah and I had to firmly try help bub's anterior shoulder slip down and out. The baby came without too much fuss and we placed the little girl up on mum's chest. She breathed well and within minutes was nuzzling mum's breast and soon sucking away like a little machine.

Dan and Lauren simply sat in awe of their little girl, while Sarah and I breathed a sigh of relief that the baby hadn't been born in the toilet bowl, and then marveled at how Lauren had been breathing her baby down and out. Just awesome!

Away

2006-11-18T18:11:00.000+11:00

All you faithful blog readers, who ever you may be, I've been away from my computer for the last week, and will be away on and off for the next two and a bit weeks while finishing my placement at Casey Hospital. Hopefully that explains why it's been quiet on the blogging front. Yes, I know my blogging can be sporadic even when I'm close to my internet connection.... but at the moment there are a lot of posts waiting to be spit out. So while I'm staying up with my grandparents home to cut down driving time to and from hospital, I'm hoping to put some of them onto paper so my thoughts don't flutter away.

BTW, did I mention that I heart Casey Hosptial! It's been so refreshing to be in a hospital which actually appreciates and trusts women's birthing bodies, and doesn't have epidurals on tap! Caesars are not available for social reasons, only emergencies. It does wonders to a woman's chance to have a normal vaginal birth, and positive birth experience. I've never seen waterbirth advocated so much by a maternity ward..... those baths are beautiful!

I think it will be a battle to get a placement at Casey in third year. From all the talk amongst the girls just about everyone is putting in a preference for Casey, I'll be putting mine in too! I will be a happy woman if I never step inside of a private hospital maternity ward ever again (... so sorry France Perry).

I haven't actually seen any births at Casey yet. I've been with a number of labouring women and have even stayed overtime hoping to be there for the end but everyone is birthing outside my shifts - but I have three more weeks to go still, and the experience so far has been invaluable.

Stories will be coming!

Tree of Life

2006-11-06T20:55:00.000+11:00

Thoughts about my babies placenta's often flit through my head. Yes, slightly strange I know, since I don't actually have babies of my own yet or any tangible placentas to go with them. But I think of them none the less, enough for me to say that placentas are fascinating things.

One of my most enjoyable 'mundane' tasks to complete on clinical placement is to check placentas. Healthy, fresh placentas are a work of God's creativity. Heavy with blood, and warm too, they remind me of their amazing job, to nourish and sustain a precious life for nine months! They are a marvelous thing, so I enjoy checking them, checking to see it is intact and complete, eyeing off the blood vessels making sure there are no odd ones trailing along the side indicating perhaps the placenta had an extra lobe, separating the two membranes, and looking at the cord insertion.

When I have babies, (God please bless me with them!), I would like my third stage of labour to be physiological, leaving the cord un-cut until the placenta has been birthed so I can see the baby/placenta unit together. If you go here there is a birth story told with photos, one photo shows the baby and placenta joined - please note the birth is quite graphically captured. So often I think many women view the placenta as 'theirs', rather than an extension of their children - which is why I want to see my children still attached, just so I can sit in awe of what God has made to nurture them along the nine months of their growing.

And then just to be artistic, I would like placenta prints, like the one in the picture above, showing how the placenta fans out beautifully looking the Tree of Life. And what then? Well it will be buried... a nice spot for a tree to grow later.

Birth Week

2006-11-02T16:10:00.000+11:00

I'm counting sleeps till next week.... Birth Week. A group of midwives, doulas and women have put together a five day seminar program for mothers, pregnant women, midwives, partners and support people, about birth and all things birth related up at Kallista Mechanics Hall - fifteen minutes from my place none the less! Most of the sessions have a $10 donation fee and include moring tea, afternoon tea or supper. The hall will be open all day inbetween sessions with information and resources. I'll be trying to get to as many sessions as possible in between my exams on the 9th an10th.

Kallista Mechanics Hall, Church St. Kallista

Wedneday 8th November

9.30am Opening
9.45-11.45am A 'Birthwork' Circle: Looks at working with natural birth, intuitive birth wisdom, knowledge and skills.
1-3.30pm 'The Big Stretch': Film screening and discusion about natural birth, using your body and breath to assist labour
7.30-10.30pm Birth Stories: Listen to women share their stories, and share yours. Women only.

Thursday 9th November

9.30-11.30am Enhancing Birthing Potential - Part 1: Exploring current birth culture, choice of care-giver, place of birth, intervention rates and their affect on birth.
1-3.30pm Enhancing Birthing Potential - Part 2: Exploring the impact of the physical, emotional and psychological on birth potential.
7.30-10.30pm Birth Stories: Listen to women share their stories, and share yours. Women only.

Friday 10th November

9.30-11.30am Homebirth & Waterbirth: Answering questions about homebirth and waterbirth, followed by a waterbirth video.
1-4pm Creative Art Workshop - Trusting Your Body: Explore and create with clay, drawing and words. Faciltated by a menstrual educator.
7.30-10.30pm Fathers Circle: Men share stories about the birth of their children. Men only.

Saturday 11th November

9.30-11.30am Breech Birth - Open Forum: Discussion about breech birth, how to face fears, make empowered choices, and find support.
1-2.30pm VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarean): Presenting important information about VBAC, make an informed choice.
2.30-4.30pm Meet the Midwives and Doulas/Birth Attendants: Come meet local care-providers who respect pregnancy as a normal part of life.
7.30-9.30pm 'Birth Rites' Film Screening: A film comparing Outback birth issues to the icey regions of Artic Canada.

Sunday 12th November

9.30-11.30am Rites of Passage - Mother Blessings: Looking at ways to honour and nuture the journy of motherhood with beauty and ceremony.
1-3pm Placentas & Lotus Birth: Answering questions about Lotus birth and placentas and discussing cultural practices following birth.
3pm Closing

I'm really looking forward to the session on placentas... they facinate me. Have a bit of a read about them at Navelgazing Midwife and check out the comparison photos of a healthy and not so healthy placenta.

Blessed are the peacemakers not peacelovers

2006-09-23T21:59:00.000+10:00

Nothing is so strong as gentleness; nothing so gentle as real strength
~ St. Francis de Sales

We plant seeds that will flower as results in our lives, so best to remove the weeds of anger, avarice, envy and doubt, that peace and abundance may manifest for all.
~ Dorothy Day

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peace makers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness
~ James 3:17-18

Peace has to be created, in order to be maintained. It is the product of Faith, Strength, Energy, Will, Sympathy, Justice, Imagination, and the triumph of principle. It will never be achieved by passivity and quietism.
~ Dorothy Thompson

War is as outmoded as cannibalism, chattel slavery, blood-feuds, and dueling, an insult to God and humanity...a daily crucifixion of Christ.

~ Muriel Lester

Watch well over your seed-things and children. Speak wisely to them, our new children!Henceforth they shall be your first speakers, and the peacemaking shields of your people.
~Author Unknown

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.

~ Mother Teresa

It's been two days since Peace Day (21st September)... love... pursue peace... demonstrate it daily... if not for yourself, then for your children or future children... love deeply, for love is of God.

Are you pregnant?

2006-09-18T11:35:00.000+10:00

As a student midwife, I have to admit I often have what I call my 'pregnancy radar' switched on because I'm searching for women who would be interested in linking up with a student midwife.

So in the hope that maybe this blog could be another avenue for leading to possible 'linking up'.... here goes!

This 'linking up' is part of my three year Bachelor of Midwifery degree at ACU. It's called Follow Through Journey and the idea is that, as students, we link up with ten pregnant women per year and spend time with them over their pregnancy to get an idea of how pregnancy is a very individual and unique experience for each woman. Students can begin meeting up with women any time between 14-35 weeks of pregnancy and remain connected to women till about six weeks after birth. Each Follow Through Journey involves approximatly 10 contact hours. It's completely confidential and as a student I have a practicing midwife to mentor me along the years of my course.

It is relational rather than skills based....the aim is to connect with women who are willing to comunicate their experience of pregnancy with us, and as students we do not practice any clinical skills in this program. Because Follow Through has no defined way of working it's completely flexible. The ammount of involvement I have as a student depends on how each woman wants me to be involved - it can simply be meeting up at home for a chat, or attending antenatal appointments, or being an extra support person at birth if that's what a woman wants. The program tailors to the woman and what she is comfortable with.

I love Follow Through Journey for the continuity it brings. It's such a privilage journeying with women - I learn so much from them.

So if you've got questions about Follow Through or if you're pregnant and interested and would like some extra support, someone to talk things through with, or someone who can source information for you, and are between 14 and 35 weeks, and live out the eastern side of Melbourne please feel free to email me.

My email address is laura_beimers(at)kastanet.org (just change the 'at' to @)

The glory of pain

2006-09-12T19:52:00.000+10:00

"We are made to do this work and its not easy...I would say that pain is part of the glory, or the tremendous mystery of life. And that if anything, it's a kind of privilege to stand so close to such an incredible miracle."
~ Simone in Klasson 2001

Have a read about three different but instinctive births here.

Just right

2006-09-10T22:55:00.000+10:00

"Moon of the ninth month
casts its shadow.
How weary is the life within;
when it sees its dark prison
it struggles to be free
and make its camp on the earth. "
~Indian Birth Song

Due dates are such funny things. Only about 4% of babies are born on their calculated due date. In all reality I think labour should be expected to start any time in the two weeks before or after the due date... more like a 'due month' really. Babies come when they are ready.

Birth Photos

2006-09-08T10:54:00.000+10:00

Motherhood by Beti Alonso

The observant few will have noticed the new links along the side bar. I just want to highlight Birth Story Diaries. I have countless books full of birth stories but could hardly beleive it when I stumbled over this site where it tells birth stories with photos! There are hundreds of photos that have been submitted. Take a look at this birth ... it's beautiful!

Each birth has a graphic rating scale which I'd advise having a look at before viewing a birth. If you've never seen a birth before, stick with the births marked with green or yellow stars before moving on to orange stars. Orange stars indicate more graphic photos (showing the baby crowning in the vagina ect)...these photos seem normal to me because of what I see as a student. Avoid red stars.

The stories can be browsed by the graphic rating scale, type of birth (vaginal or caesarean) or place of birth (home, birth centre, or hospital). If you're interested I suggest starting with the homebirths.

*Note: all babies are bluished tinged when born...you'll notice they pink up in time. It's very common for hands and feet to look dusky while the rest of the baby is pink.

Focus

2006-09-07T12:10:00.000+10:00

After almost deciding to give up on this blog, I realize that I don't want it to fade away to nothing... though I would like to make some changes. This will be a midwiferyish blog primarily. I've decided my personal stuff deserves to be shared in person to those that I'm close to... not saying I won't put the occasional musing about things other than midwifery on here but that... hmmm... hard to explain... it's important to me who I share with and making it personal by sharing it individually with them rather than doing a general blog post - and most importantly sharing with them individually before I put it on the blog/if I put it on the blog.

So expect all things women related.

Grey Water

2006-07-17T21:06:00.000+10:00

It's a sad day when you can't even bribe your own sisters to do the dishes for you...

Human

2006-07-16T20:47:00.000+10:00

I stumbled across a verse from Psalm 71 once last night and then to really wave it in my face, once this morning....

Verse 14
"But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."

This art came about as a result. To truely praise him 'more and more', there are sins I must lay down. Simple yet so difficult .... and it's utterly humbling when dealing with BIG heavy stuff to be reminded that despite it's weight that there is still hope.

Martha and Bill have escaped the couch

2006-07-11T20:35:00.000+10:00

Okay, okay....so I haven't been the most loyal of bloggers of late....and yes the excuse is "clinicals" and "exams". This coming Friday will be the last of my four weeks at the Mercy Hospital for Women, and while I love clinicals I'll be ever so glad to see the end of this lot! Tired, tired, tired and wondering how people actually work full time and actually have a life. I think being with women in pain is what takes it out of me....not that women's labour pain makes me afraid or uncomfortable, but rather it takes so much energy to help them keep on keeping.

The tally of all the births I've attended up to the moment stands at

Normal Vaginal Births: 11
Forceps: 3
Ventouse: 4
Cesarean: 3

Out of my forty required "primary accouchers" I have one which is an okay number at the moment. I assisted at one birth which I thought I could count as another primary but turns out that I should err on the side of caution and not list it....the ventouse only helped guide the head and then the doctor and midwives insisted I have my hands ready for the rest of the baby and I also managed third stage ..... but because of the ventouse I really can't count it.

I've seen so many amazing things and feel very honoured, at the same time I'm also very frustrated too - I've seen way too many women induced when their body wasn't ready for labour, which in turn leads to intervention in the form of CTG monitors, IV cannulas being inserted, epidurals given because induction/augmentation brought contractions on too quickly for women to work up to them, epidurals mean catheters, epidurals mean mum's stuck in bed and not able to change position well or use gravity because her legs are heavy, which can lead to slowing the decent of the baby, and ineffective pushing.....which can lead to either forceps or ventouse.....or a distressed baby, which leads to a cesarean section - there you go that's what's called the "intervention cascade".

Say goodbye to Martha and Bill everyone!

.....there does that satisfy you, Bec, Han and Geoff? : )

2006-06-09T16:38:00.000+10:00

Okay so! The challenge for you today is to come up with a funny caption for this photo from Look At Me (a collection of found photos). Have fun....

Roses, throats and the cervix

2006-06-08T14:39:00.000+10:00

I've been thinking a little about this picture I came across on Navelgazing Midwife. The power our thoughts and imaginings have over our physical bodies is extraordinary. Often I read about women who visualize their cervix opening during birth like a flower, and with each rush of a contraction they imagine themselves opening up little bit by little bit and then in second stage transferring that picture to their vagina allowing it to stretch. There's something about visualizing or perceiving something in our minds eye which gives extra strength. As a mind imagines so a body can follow.

I've been with a few women in labour now and the one women who didn't tear during birth was without any drugs for pain (I firmly believe this helped her keep in touch with what her body was doing and allowed her to follow). She was deeply in her own space, almost trance like she was so deeply internal, and as she pushed and breathed her baby out of her body she said, 'No pain, open, open, no pain, no pain.' It was beautiful and the first time I'd seen anyone birth without drugs of some sort.

I love small things that can make a difference to labour. One thing that fascinates me is the relationship between a relaxed throat and a relaxed and dilating cervix. Asking women to relax their mouths from being clenched or tight from high throat noises, and getting them to soften their mouth and make lower deeper noise as they labour actually helps dilation. Lower deeper noises while also relaxing the throat and cervix are often more calming in the woman's own ears too which eases fear and stops the bodies fear and stress response from kicking in and slowing labour down. One simple way to relax a woman's throat is to encourage a woman's husband to do what he normally would do if his wife was in pain - be near her physically and kiss her. (But then some women don't want to be touched in labour so that rules that option out). Saying the words words "I love you" relax the throat too - women tell their husbands they love them, they tell their unborn baby that they love them.

Some times when I see husbands and wives working so closely together as a woman's labouring it makes me feel like I'm stumbling across something private and sacred, it reminds me of the sexual nature of birth - which makes perfect sense to me as that's how a child is created in the first place.

The Youth Monster

2006-06-08T11:33:00.000+10:00

Last night at small group I took the plunge and told Geoff (who's involved with leading Youth at church) that I was interested in helping out with Junior Youth, much to his rejoicing mind you. To my surprise I was told I'd been on his and Pete's (our pastor who's soon moving on to plant a new church) list of possible newbie additions to the youth leadership team - yikes how's that for coincidence! I'd been thinking about what to be involved in at church for a while and youth kept on popping into mind most times I prayed about it. I have to admit I tried to over look it as two of my little sises are in youth group BUT as Geoff reminded me they are both in senior youth NOT junior youth

....so yes we'll see how things play out from now....I have to admit teenagers in year 7-9 are a little bit scary come to think of it.

Brave face Laura, brave face!

The V word

2006-06-05T16:00:00.000+10:00

I'm a student midwife. I'm not sure exactly who reads my blog, I know some of you who do but I'm not sure who else reads what I write.

I just want to say that I will write about birth, giving birth, midwifery politics, homebirth, natural birth, gentle birthing, breastfeeding, the over medicalization of childbirth and the like in this blog. That was my first intention for this blog (hence the blog title) and while it has become more than that there will be the midwifery stuff thrown in especially now I'm coming up to my 4 week placement. (In two weeks time expect some stories!)

Pregnancy and birth are amazing things and at the same time such a normal life event. I do not deal with patients or clients. In learning to be a midwife I am simply with women, respecting them, seeking the best for them and their babies wellbeing.

I will not tip toe around issues. I will not be shy talking about anything birth related so expect to read the word vagina and perineum in this blog. There you go now you won't go red the first time you hear the V word.

p.s there might be the occasional birth photo too.

A message

2006-06-04T20:49:00.000+10:00

I read a few blogs regularly, here's a post that I couldn't let slip by me without sharing .... have a look at Calvin's Letter. Oh for the day when "the wars stop".

Psalm 38

2006-06-03T22:57:00.000+10:00

I've been thinking about grace, thinking about how often I use God as safety net, a backup, a way out when I stuff up or willfully chose to sin; thinking about the fact that sinning in light of God's grace is almost too awful to describe. Thinking how I cheapen sin and in turn cheapen grace.

I read Psalm 38 late last night and a few verses really stuck out at me, "1 O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. 2 For your arrows have pierced me and your hand has come down upon me...9 All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you...17 For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. 18 I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin."

I am troubled by my sin.

I've become too complacent, my sin doesn't sear or pierce me. I truly desire to say, to come before God and say, "I am troubled by my sin!"

One of my most favourite hymns was playing before - O the Deep Deep Love of Jesus

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, nevermore!
How He watches o'er His loved ones, died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth, watcheth o'er them from the throne!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, love of every love the best!
'Tis an ocean full of blessing, 'tis a haven giving rest!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus, 'tis a heaven of heavens to me;
And it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee!

I want to honour that love more.

Yes we are closed...we closed at 5:00 it's now 5:27!

2006-06-03T20:49:00.000+10:00

To celebrate winter at work today we had "Winterfest". In other words we had 40 tonnes of snow in the carpark with all sorts of crazy things happening in and around the store. Yay! Surprisingly 40 tonnes of snow doesn't look all that much when you see it in one spot - I was a little surprised at how small an area it covered. The snow turned pretty icy by the end of the day but all the kids who came loved that's for sure.

Thankfully I got out of the work "fashion show". I would rather have eaten bugs or something than get in ski gear and parade around the 60 cm high T shaped platform in front of all the customers, to doof doof music (the words of which I thought were totally inappropriate to have in a "family" store). After the show I had this little red haired kid come up to me and follow me around while I was working asking me all sorts of questions - "Who does the shows?" "Are girls allowed in the shows?" (he could only see the guys standing around the stage at the time) "What's that?" "What do you do?" "Will they have another show?"....Amusing

But besides all the fun....can someone please explain why it is that customers think that they are the only ones who have lives outside of the place they are shopping in? I think I'd prefer getting out on time then getting extra pay for staying over time personally! Grrrr - she knew full well we were closed. I told her more than once in no uncertain terms that the tills would be removed and that she would not be able to pay for her purchases if she took any more time than she already had. I was serving her and couldn't quite well boot her out as she had over $1000 worth of sales - management says it's better to get a big sale than send people out the door at closing time. So at 1727 I called one of the management staff to put the sale through the register so I could get out to my dear Mother who had been waiting 27 minutes for me in the car, who was now going to be late to the trivia night she was involved with organizing. I had hot angry tears over that once I got outside of work.

Perhaps I sound too whiny in this post....I certainly don't mean to be, but people who are buying things just are the oddest bunch I have ever come across!

A little bit of me

2006-06-02T11:16:00.000+10:00

I love doing personality surveys, quizes, and tests. Bec always mangages to find good ones so I had a go at the RHETI Enneagram Sampler Test. These are my top scoring types below. I got 8 points for Type 4, and six points each for Types 2 and 6. Click on the pictures for more info about each type.

free enneagram test

Amuse me by telling who you are...

So he married Gomer

2006-06-02T10:14:00.000+10:00

This song adequatley sums up the past two days.

Song of Gomer (Hosea 1-3) by Michael Card

Don't know what He sees in me
He is spirit, he is free
And I, the wife of adultery
Gomer is my name
Simply more than I can see
How he keeps on forgiving me
How he keeps his sanity
Hosea, you're a fool

A fool to love someone like me
A fool to suffer silently
But sometimes through your eyes I see
I'd rather be a fool

The fondness of a father
The passion of a child
The tenderness of a loving friend
An understanding smile
All of this and so much more
You've lavished on this faithless whore
I've never known love like this before
Hosea, you're a fool

A fool to love somone like me
A fool to suffer silently
But some times through your eyes I see
I'd rather be a fool

This God of yours would not have told
To lift a love that you couldn't hold
And though time and time again I flee
I'm always glad to see you coming after me

Simply more than I can see
How he keeps on forgiving me
The wife of adultery
And Gomer is my name

Jumble Days

2006-05-30T21:35:00.000+10:00

Yes today was a jumble day, and yes I'm going to tell you ALL about it.

1. Woke up late at 10:20am after having a strange dream about trying to find a wedding dress or the resemblance of something I could wear to my own wedding in an op-shop on my wedding day. My strange sleeping brain then switched to a dream in which I was cycling around a housing complex to rescue a deathly sick child. Oddly enough I didn't feel all that relaxed after waking up!

2. Cleaned my room a little after much inspiration from FLYlady....don' t ask how I stumbled across the site....I just did. (It will probably bore most of you so don't bother with the link unless you're really and I mean really curious!)

3. Cooked fried garlic tomatoes to have on toast with cheese for lunch....yummy!

4. Found out that I left renewing my library books one day late....now they are late....and I'm not going back to uni till the 16th of June. I have 4 books late and it's 50 cents a day for each one! That gives me three alternatives: I can either pay a $36 fine on the 16th of June OR I can call the library and grovel and see if they will let me off the hook OR I could go all the way into the city for the measly purpose of returning books....Hmmm I think I'll try calling first and create a plan of action afterwards.

5. Went out to do errands with Mum - Post Office first, then the Cafe' for tea and cake where I happened to bump into the lovely Samantha , then the Op-Shop (btw there were no suitable wedding dresses!) , then the Engraving Shop where I finally got John's birthday present finished and when I went to collect it, I was asked by the guy at the engraving shop, "What is it [the engraved message] all about?" I was actually a little bit surprised that he asked and not being quite ready to explain it all to a complete stranger I said, "It's for my boyfriend..." What I intended to say next was, "It's just a personal thing between us that we both understand"...but it came out a little different, probably because I was unprepared for the guy to even ask! I said, "It's just a personal joke between us." Joke, joke....where on earth did joke come from?! Now I feel stupid - not that the engraving guy knows any better but I do and I know it is NOT a joke.

6. I caught the bus home and bumped into Samantha yet again! At the bus stop before mine I noticed one of my cousins getting off the bus. I hadn't even noticed him! Whoops, there's nothing like not noticing your relatives. I wonder if he saw me? I wonder if he would have spoken to me if he had? Hmmmm (disclaimer: nothing is wrong between me and my cousin he's just very shy and sometimes I wonder if he actually recognizes me as we hardly see each other even though we only live a short distance appart!)

7. Since then I've been doing a random jumble of things at home.

TTFN

Deep Vein Thrombosis

2006-05-28T22:33:00.000+10:00

Okay so the question in my mind is....can I get this from sitting too long at my computer totally absorbed in other people's blogs? I'm addicted....there you go a first hand confession. I go to one blog which leads to another interesting looking blog and then another..... which leaves me sitting at the computer for three hours consequently with a numb backside. BUT my mind says, "Just one more blog Laura, just click that little link, this one will be different from every other one you've visited!" People get DVT on planes after sitting for too long so what about blog junkies? Do I fall in a high risk category?! Needless to say I've been rolling my ankles around...you know how they do on those pre flight instruction clips, the ones where women wear frilly lace blouses, men have side combs and kids wear overalls.

Okay moving on! Bec's latest blogging suggestion was for me to post about my 'home remedies'. If I heard her correctly I think I noticed just a small smidgen of sarcasm and amusement in her voice (correct me if I'm wrong twin 2) which I've decided to over look as I'm a firm believer in my remedies : ) At the moment there are three remedies which I have tucked away for "emergencies":

1. Cramps - I heat up a wheat bag in the microwave for 4 minutes or so till it's really hot but not so hot as to start combusting all on it's own un attended in the microwave, then pick 5 heads of lavender from the garden and crush them just a slight bit between my hands so they release their fragrance . Two of them get tucked in the wheat bag to wilt in the heat and let out even more lovely lavender smells. Then I sit on the couch, bed or any other comfy place that has lots of cosy cushions, with the heat pack on my tummy or back, smell the other lavender heads and think happy thoughts. It works like charm....better than popping two Panadines is all I can say.

2. Sore Throat - this remedy soothes though I think it helps cure too as it's got honey it (I have a bit of a fascination with honey as a antiseptic). I mix equal parts honey and lemon juice (fresh lemon juice is best, not stuff out of a squeezy bottle from the supermarket) and then add a bit of hot water so it's not cold to sip. To work it needs to be strong....so don't dilute with too much water. It's yummy as well as being good for you!

3. Lack of Concentration - I love using this when I have a large chunks of study to do at the last minute. I mix 5 drops of rosemary essential oil with 10ml of base oil (like almond oil, or olive oil) and rub a small bit on my neck and shoulders. It's suppose to be good for headaches too but I haven't tried it yet for that. Oils are something that I want to learn more about along with herbal remedies and aromatherapy.

So there you have it Laura's quick fixes for everything but deep vein thrombosis.

Dobbed on

2006-05-27T18:38:00.000+10:00

Well thanks to Bec linking me in her online ramblings, now I have to update my blog. Yes this is many days after promising to be a faithful blogger - see I told you I'm a procrastinator!

So the question is what to blog?

1. Socks - they've been parading in my dreams. I've been at work surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of socks (each one with it's pair mind you so that's even MORE than hundreds and hundreds). I've been pricing, security tagging and invoicing them all.

2. John - I was at work today when he called....*sigh*....I wonder if he called just because or if there was a particular reason. I'll find out when the time difference comes around again - you've got to love being 14 hours ahead of North Carolina time - living in the future is such a novelty.

I love this photo! Reminds me of the lengths we went to take it. John's gloveless hand was the sacrifice made to keep the camera out of the wet. The formal pose because of the slippery snow and steep drop off on either side of us. We probably shouldn't have gone up there in the first place because of how dangerous it was with the deep snow obscuring the rocks....but then while we were traipsing around the mountain side above camp there were 30 or so students finishing their wilderness first aid class...we would have been good practice for them if anything had happened : )

Selah

2006-05-09T19:14:00.000+10:00

Thoughts have been running around my head about my procrastination rut and not really beings sure of where I'm heading with my life. This is an extract from a letter I wrote today (which contains an block of my hand written journal):

"To cut a bit of a long story short, I've had niggling prompts in the back of my mind to start writing my thoughts down again in a note book and felt a big shove from God that I need to be engaging my brain not just my heart with him and to begin by writing more in my journal and also using my blog too.

I wrote some stuff down in my journal last night... here goes....

~ Begining of Laura's Journal ~

Lord I feel like curling up and crying. Life seems too complicated right now. I just want to pause instead of feeling like I'm being catapulted headlong into an unknown. I don't even quite know what's disturbing me. Lord please show me

All I see is mess tied up in knots, my room's a mess, my priorities seem whacked, my self discipline in non existent and my goals are unrelated to life.

I feel like I want OUT of my course, the next moment I feel that I do want to keep doing what I'm doing. My course is frustrating me....

Was I made for this God? Do you really want me to be a midwife?

(prompted to read in Psalms where I have been for the last few days...I'm up to Psalm 25)

These are the verses that really jumped out:

1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

2 in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

4 Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

5 guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

6 Remember, O LORD,
your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

7 Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.

17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.

That was fitting! My struggle is seen by God which is a comfort....still I do not understand where exactly my thoughts and feelings lead...so perhaps I'll summarized the thoughts and feelings on paper...

1) Work load for uni is overwhelming
2)Procrastination is rampant
3) What do I want to do with my life?
4) Do I want a career? And in turn do I feel I need to, or am expected to have one?
5) If I left my course I would feel like a failure and regret it (at least I think I would regret it!)
6) What would I do if I didn't do the midwifery thing?
7) Why have I always wanted to be a wife and mother?
8) What does this desire mean for me now...as I'm not married and wont be for a while?
9) Will my procrastination and dissatisfaction move over to my role as a wife and mother once I've been one for long enough? Am I just straining at the bit or is the matter really about what road I'm traveling on?
10) How am I honouring God by all this?

~ End of Laura's Journal ~

I know I've mentioned it before about not wanting the whole midwifery thing to be a grab at something I can't yet have...and I always thought I was set in that regard, meaning I didn't think that was my reasoning behind becoming a midwife, but lately I'm not so sure which is un-nerving.

So in answer to my question about what do I want to do in life.... I want to love God and love other people. Practically I see that working out by, being married, loving my husband, having and loving children, teaching my kids (i.e. homeschooling them), being available to other people around me, to listen to them, offer them hospitality, enjoy the world around me by being outside in it and learning about it, and being responsible about the way in which I live (by that I mean using resources wisely, and all that environmental and simple living stuff that runs around my head a lot of the time). So......yes, that's what I want to do in life in a nut shell.

About midwifery... yes it ties in with my philosophy of life and yes I can love other people through being a midwife and love and honour my God and yes it links into all the family stuff which is a focus for me... these are the reasons why probably deep down I chose it. Practically right now it's a wise thing to be doing, to continue on in it and to do it with my best effort....I'm in a possition where what I want to "do" in life is not a present reality....so I do need to lay it down before God and give it up. That's hard.

I shouldn't feel like this part of my life is a waste if I never practice midwifery for very long, btw I'm sure I will use it more than I think I will, I just don't see myself doing the "working mother thing". Just because I don't want to feel pressured or expected have a career doesn't mean I shouldn't use the combination of brains and compassion that God's given me. This was and is my choice and I'm halfway through! I need to run with it knowing that however much I end up using of what I'll be spending three years on, is and will be honouring to God, that it grew me and has equipped me to serve others.

Perseverance makes us mature and complete not lacking anything (see James 1:4)I think those are important things God will want me to begin learning before I face the other desires of my heart. "

Kitchen Blues

2006-05-08T20:39:00.000+10:00

Okay, about a week ago I received my lovely new Stephanie Alexander cook book. It's big, it's inviting, it's a cooks Bible. So armed and ready when asked to cook tonight I gladly agreed, ready to wow the little sisters.

Albeit I hit a few slight problems -
1) I don't stock the pantry or fridge...which makes ingredients a little difficult to come by...but Dad helpfully headed up to IGA for carrots and celery.
2) I didn't quite have cast-iron enamel baking wear (which costs a small fortune) to cook my stew in as suggested by the book. Instead I used an enamel casserole dish.
3) The recipe said to cook the stew covered with the cast-iron lid, not having the dish obviously meant I didn't have the lid to match, so I ingeniously thought to cover it with foil and lay a flat enamel dish over the top. Really smart Laura! (sarcasm) I found out later that this would actually radiate heat away from the food.

Understand we eat very early at home (usually six). Tonight dinner began at 7:35pm, by which time I had almost been physically accosted by all three of my sisters claiming their bodies were going haywire with the delay. In the end it tasted well besides the crunchy potatoes.

As dinner progressed I got more than an earful of teasing (not of the nasty variety, just the annoying family sort) about making sure I was up to scratch before I got married. I'm failing to physically see a ring a the present moment but Bec, Em and Han seem quite sure one will come along soonish. I think their estimates are a little off for timing (Bec you better be reading this!)

And yes our kitchen is painted blue.

In line with Queen Bee

2006-05-08T15:51:00.000+10:00

Well let's just say I've been inspired by Bec. She finally and very unexpectedly allowed me to view her blog. Don't get me wrong I frequently visit my dear sisters other blogs but this one had been strictly out of bounds. After wanting to be given the seal of reading approval for so long I was surprisingly hesitant to read it once she gave the okay. It's private, it's Bec! The big question looming in my mind was "What would I find?". The hesitation didn't last long! I love Bec's writing. Crazily enough now after having read it I feel quite cut (in a good way, if there is one) about all the stuff I never realized about Bec - I have a feeling living with her will make a slight bit more sense now.

I'm still trying to figure out what glorious thing I did to gain her favour! Beats me!

Okay so it's been what? Three months and bit since I've contributed to this attempt at a blog. I'm not making any rash promises about being a saintly blogger from now on but reading Bec's blog has reminded me of the potential of blogs. My long ago craze of journal keeping has just been revived over the past month...so why not use a blog? I type faster than I write, and yes confess that reading my own handwriting can get a little tricky at times : P Additionally I'm not much of a drawer so having a blog means I can "decorate" in other ways.

So begins attempt number two!

Soul Starts Today!

2006-01-11T11:02:00.000+11:00

Finally after a long year of waiting Soul Survivor 06 is starting today! Check it out at www.soulsurvivor.com.au

I'm looking forward to 5 days of tenting with friends, learning, relaxing, and being challanged.

Jess, Bec, Sam and I are sharing a tent and should be heading up to grab a camping spot early this afternoon. (Hopefully the rain will clear by then!)

From what I've managed to find out there is a big focus on social justice this year.......I'll report back on Monday morning about how it went.

2006-01-06T00:21:00.000+11:00

Well here's my new set of wheels, brought home as of yesterday. A 2nd hand white, Nissan Pintara Executive 1992, auto sedan, with air-con and powersteering. Sweet..... did I really buy that thing?!

Moon-babies

2006-01-05T20:50:00.000+11:00

Found this picture while searching the web. It reminded me of the comment an older midwife made to me on my clinical placement last year:

"You'll find more women have babies on the night of a full moon."

I've found a lot of folk lore surrounding birth in my extended reading, and one certainly gets to wondering how much truth lies within it. Do girl babies sit higher in the belly than male ones? Where there's smoke there's fire in most cases right?

I guess time will tell me if babies like moonlight or not.

What's in a name?

2006-01-04T22:23:00.000+11:00

Naming things.....I've never been one who names things easily, and when it came to a blog I certainly didn't want to choose lightly. After much yo-yoing between options I came to "accoucheur", a French name for the person who receives a child as it's born. It's just one of those words I like, it feels nice when you say it, and it sums up what I'm training to become, a midwife.

Funnily enough after deciding on the title of my blog I curiously went searching to find the correct dictionary definition for it. Unnervingly the dictionary seemed to give it more of an obstetric/masculine undercurrent than I expected. In my course we use it quite alternatively with a woman centered focus....which is why I've decided to keep "Accoucheur" as my blog name.... women centered midwifery is different to anything a medicalized western society expects.

So this is my blog, hopefully updated regularly. I'm not completely sure what this blog's flavour will turn out to be, probably just a jumble of thoughts, poetry, quotes, and the occasional birth story thrown in.